Friday, December 23, 2005

"Worry Never Robs Tomorrow of Its Sorrow; It Only Saps Today Of Its Strength."
I am an expert worrier. No topic is so small that I can't blow it up into something big. The merest hint of an ill wind can trip the hair-trigger mechanism that gets me going. I believe it has taken years to develop such a reflex. Originally, I worried that what or who I loved would be taken away from me or never be given to me in the first place.
But, worry can become a way of life- it sometimes seems like I don't know how to live any other way. In the grips of this delusion, I usually assume that if I DON'T worry about something, it will happen for sure. As if worry had the power to ward off tragedy!
As opposed to cautious realism, chronic worry is indiscriminate and irrational. I don't worry about disasters because they're so likely to happen, I worry because that's what I know how to do. Worry doesn't prevent the loss of anything except my own peace of mind.
I recognize that habitual worry is a learned response from long ago. Today I choose serenity.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Only God has the power to show you who is God.

I am beginning to really understand what is important in my life these days. What a revelation to know who I am, who I love, to learn at the age of 25 what I enjoy doing, even now to have honest opinions, to have good friends, sober friends, people who love me, and loved me even when I couldn't love myself. As I continue in sobriety, life becomes even more precious, time with my family is more valuable. When I feel like I need more from life, I ask myself 'am I really living or am I just existing?' Today I want to live! Today, I can live without the temptation to have a drink. What a miracle that is. Something I never thought possible has happened. I am enjoying life sober! All at once, everyone in my family is healthy! I have completed the 2nd last portion of College, and I am going to my daughters' first Public School Christmas concert on Wednesday!

Life is too short to worry about petty things that won't matter tomorrow. I know now, that when ever I felt that I lost God, it was not God who was lost. It was me. Today I feel stronger than I have ever felt! Not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally too. When I wake up in the morning, I pray for courage, strength and guidance to do whatever is needed for the day. When I put my expectations on myself to do too much, or expectations on others to read my mind, or do as I say, things go down hill, of course! One of the marvelous things I am learning is that you can just start over. It doesn't matter how many times I have to start my day over, I just move past it. One day at a time, or moment at a time. God loves me and wants the best for me. He has put loving, healing people in my path, has kept me safe, and has performed more miracles in my life than I can imagine. I know God wants only the best for me. So the question I now ask myself is, "why would I want any less for myself?"