Monday, March 17, 2008

I have just recently been to the doctor, and he found several abnormal types of breast tissue. I have a mammogram in April, I am still waiting to receive news about an ultrasound to confirm or rule out the possibility of breast cancer. I am completely devastated. Most of us are aware of the statistics where Breast Cancer is concerned. Frightening. I am currently in disbelief that this could be happening to me. I mean really,Why me??
Every day is an emotional struggle to find hope and security for the future. It is so interesting that I can let each day pass and not think about how or when we may not have the privilege to live a normal, productive life. However, when I discover the possibility of those horrific details prematurely, I believe that I have two choices.
A: I can run, hide in bed all day, not answer the phone, not tell anyone and struggle alone and not live the life you have left to the fullest.
B: I can truly live, maybe for the first time that I have in my whole life!! I could really put some thought into the life that I have been living thus far and the life that I have always wanted to live, for the cherished time that there is left.
Right now I am trying to take extra time admiring the beauty and innocence of my children, their thoughts, their little phrases.
One cute saying that I have always remembered was from my daughter, about a year ago.
She came home from school, and she sniffed loudly with a big smile on her face and said "what are we having for dinner? I can smell the 'sweetness' of pizza!!" I could only smile at that thought, I mean only a child trying to be understood could come up with that. My heart was glad.
I am trying, when I am not in too much physical pain, to play with the kids, with my husband, laugh, create new memories and remember to cherish old ones. When I can do this it is hard to think about what road I may have to trudge ahead of me. I want to live life now, while I can, I can feel sorry for myself when/if I am too sick to to anything else.
For now, I choose life. I choose love, and I am not going to retreat into doubt and despair.
Cancer is such a devastating disease, but I know that with enough awareness, enough hope, enough power-of-mind, that we can all win this battle. Not only for those who are afflicted with it, but also for those who are watching this happen to someone they care about.
Please join this cause, and help us all find a cure. One in eight women. 1 in 8!!!! Women will suffer with this particular disease in their lifetime. I believe that with perseverance, and the belief that we can all overcome this disease, we can all make a significant difference for the next generation, and the generations that will follow.
As for me, at this moment, I choose life. Wouldn't you?

Labels: , , ,

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hi, my name is Barbara ~ and I am a mother of 3.

Welcome Baby William. He was born April 2nd, a hefty 7 lbs, 10oz. The heaviest of all three and the easiest delivery by far!
William is now nearly 8 months old, and the picture of perfect health.
Rachael and Robbie adore their little brother. They play gently with him everyday and delight in teaching him new things. Peek-a-boo seems to be the game of choice this week. Hearing their laughter and seeing the joy on their faces is priceless. Especially on Rachael's face.
During her prayers at bedtime just before William was born, Rachael prayed for her new baby brother to be healthy, not to be sick like Robbie was. She cried, I cried. I cried for Rachael, ("the family sweetheart" according to a family member) who at such a young age had experienced, watched and heard about death, major illness and the life and death struggle and ongoing treatment, including reconstructive surgery for her little brother, Robbie, a near death experience of her father and a bed-ridden Mother from illness. When Robbie was later diagnosed with severe asthma, she reluctantly gave away her two cats, Tisha and Poly. Her little heart was obviously so afraid that this new baby would bring another major disruption of her life. I wept as I held her in my arms and tried to let her understand that this baby is healthy and we are so thankful for him, even though at the time I was on bedrest for hypertension and the ultrasounds that I had done indicated that we were going to have another underweight baby, or IUGR, as the term goes.
Time slowly passed while on bed rest, but the glorious day finally arrived on April 2nd, 2007. One week overdue, William David Harris entered the world. Crying and moving and healthy!
What a miracle! Life since that moment has not been the same. The love that I feel for my three beautiful children is like no other love I have ever felt. I have been given these gifts, what a blessing!
Time is short these days! I will update again soon, belive me, I haven't even gotten to the car accident yet!


Sunday, March 04, 2007

I am tired of relaxing.
How many times have I wished that someone would honestly tell me to be a lady of luxury.
I have longed for someone to tell me to 'put my feet up' and 'take it easy'.
I have dreamed of eating whatever I want whenever I wanted it and not having to lift a finger around the house.
All I have to say about that is be careful what you wish for!
I am 36 and 1/2 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby and have been placed on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy due to hypertension.
In the beginning of bedrest it was nice. It was a welcome change. That lasted for about a day. It is like being told that you have to have a good time.
It seems a bit cruel to tell a very pregnant woman to stay put when the strong urge to clean everything is upon her.
Being somewhat of a control freak and a little demanding (so I am told) it is really difficult to let someone else take care of the kids.
Especially when it is usually done in front of me.
Lately, I have developed an extrodinary talent of correcting anyone on dicipline techniques, cleaning, decorating and cooking.
It just seems to roll right out of my mouth before I have a chance to even think about what it is I am saying or why it bugs me now when it didn't before. In fact my mother who hardly ever swears, told me to stop bitching, and that people have to live with me!
Understandably too!
Even I am getting annoyed with myself.
It was only a month and a half ago that I was going out to playgroup with the kids 3 times a week, a pregnany class (with my 2 year old who cannot sit still) once a week and going out to socialize as much as I felt able to. I remember how tiring that was, but how good it felt to be out in the community and developing healthy relationships with other Moms.
Isolation and hermit-like behavour comes naturally to me under times of stress but I don't like what it does to my attitude.
From what I gather, anyone trying to help is a little tired of it too.
What I miss most
(and this is a real shocker!)
is going to church...
We have some new officers at the Army and their message is clear.
The way that I feel when I leave on Sundays is that I am not a bad person because I make mistakes.
We all make them, and eventhough I don't deserve it, God loves me and forgives me like only God can.
He isn't spiteful and angry that I made the same mistakes again and again. He isn't impatient with me.
He just loves me.
A love that is so strong that I can feel it when I am praying.
What a nice reminder that is.
I NEVER imagined that going to church would be important me.
It just kind of snuck-up on me and took hold.
I am grateful today for all of my blessings,
whether I understand them or not.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I want the hand of AA always to be there and for that I am
Alcoholism is such a devastating disease. It rips away any self worth, belonging, peace of mind, family, friends, ambition and hope. These are only a few of the many things that are usually taken, along with any shred of sanity left behind. There is no cure for alcoholism. But this does not mean that all is lost, there is still hope for those who want it badly enough. Hope for a future, for family, friends and all that was shoved away by this disease. In the end you may not get what you thought you wanted back, but you will definitely get what you need.

As I grow in sobriety, I see that when I first came through the doors of AA, I wanted my life back, just without all of the hangovers. What I have now is far superior that what I could have ever imagined. The reason for this is that I was willing (not always able) to try to change my life to a new and often times frightening new life. A life similar to those who do not suffer from a disease that stops you in your tracks. A life with "life skills", education, opportunities and many chances. I have been fortunate to have a family who has supported me(for the most part), to have a forgiving and loving husband, compassionate parents and chance after chance to try to get "on my feet again." Somehow, I always did. The hand of AA was always there when I reached for it. A friend would show up or phone in a moment of personal desperation, God would show up and pick me up again or slow me down again when I was going too fast. Someone was always there to help, even when I didn't think I needed help (or wanted it).

In the past week when someone in the program passed away due in part to the disease I have been asking myself, why me? Why me and not others who suffer? Is it all luck? Opportunity? Willpower? Inner strength? A stronger "higher power"? Greater faith?

All I can do today is be thankful that I have made it this far, that I haven't had to pick up a drink, and be grateful for yet another day of sobriety, again.

Love, Barbara

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Middle aged at 25? Well, it is beginning to seem so. While learning to live in the real world, going to college, being in debt, having children and being married, I am beginning to feel like I am in my mid forties, but now we have just purchased a minivan!!!
A family automobile.
Good bye to my youth! Good bye to my dreams of owning a sports car, and having my hair fly in the breeze on a sunny afternoon with the top down. Good bye to wild parties, where the only worries I had were how I was going to explain "this one" to my parents. Goodbye to only caring about which purse I should wear with my heels. Now that I wear orthotics, I can't even wear heels anymore. Running shoes just seem to make good common sense anyway. (hahaha) Goodbye to spontaneity! Good bye to quick decision making for ventures to the city or to a night out on the town. Good bye to expensive car stereo equipment (that has no doubt made me lose some hearing over the years).
Good bye and good riddance! If that is all I have to lose for all that I have now, then that is just fine with me. Nothing is more precious to me than the people I love and the memories I have. And besides, it's probably about time I started to grow up... At least a little. The best things in life aren't purchased with money, they are things that are felt in the heart.
Love, Barbara

Monday, February 13, 2006

Well, what can I say? Good things come to those who wait!
Things are coming together so well, I find myself having to "give my head a shake" in disbelief!
Robbie is healing well, and as always (except for when he's a little sleepy) in great spirits. He's not walking quite yet, but when he had a recent visit with the physiotherapist she was very pleased at how well he was doing. His asthma is completely controlled, and he will in all likelihood grow out of it before he is 5.
Rachael is soing very well at school and has decided to marry another boy in her class:)
She is starting to really worry about what she is seen wearing in public and by her friends. So now she picks out her clothes. Usually she will do a great job!
I finished my college course, and immediately got a job in my field at the place I wanted to work! Also, I've just joined Discovery Toys as a "Educational Consultant." Things are great.
Looking back I realize that even though things are really tough at the moment, those tough times pass- but so do the good times! So I want to enjoy this time while it lasts knowing that I can only live in today, because today is all we have!

Well I am working today, so I otta fly!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Okay, I was tagged. I don't have much time so I'll get right to the point............
4 Jobs I've had
  1. Personal Support Worker
  2. Fitness Instructor
  3. Archive Clerk
  4. Wood Worker

4 Movies I could watch over and over

  1. Diary of a mad black woman
  2. Braveheart
  3. Cold Mountain
  4. Ocean's Eleven&Ocean's Twelve

4 Places I've Lived

  1. Kingston, Ontario
  2. Orillia, Ontario
  3. Winnipeg, Manitoba
  4. Bracebridge, Ontario

(in no particular order)

4 T.V. Shows I Love

  1. C.S.I.
  2. C.S.I. Miami
  3. C.S.I. N.Y.
  4. Medium

4 Places I've Vacationed

  1. Maui, Hawaii
  2. Myrtle Beach
  3. Yarmouth, N.S.
  4. Vancouver, B.C.

4 Of My Favorite Dishes

  1. Lemon Chicken
  2. Lasagna
  3. Potato Skins (fully loaded)
  4. French Toast

4 Websites I Visit Daily

  1. Horoscopes
  3. CBC news
  4. Health and Beauty

4 Places I'd Rather Be Right Now

  1. Nova Scotia
  2. England
  3. On a nice beach anywhere it's warm and sunny
  4. Beauty Salon having a massage and getting my hair and nails done